Divorced? You don't have to be friends to be good co-parents

Awhile back, I saw a post on Instagram that a woman had shared of her ex-husband, boyfriend and dad standing on the sidelines cheering at her child's soccer game. The caption said something like "putting aside our differences for the most important things."

While this is very picturesque and a nice concept in theory, when I saw this post, I had a range of mixed feelings coming from my own experience in similar situations over the years.

Divorce is a space that comes with a lot of messages about parenting — whether it's from close friends and family or faraway strangers on the internet. Over the years, there has been a common theme of creating healthy co-parenting behavior that I believe is very positive.  However, messages like "focus on the child" or "communicate respectfully" have, in some cases, been twisted to make parents feel like they should continue showing up as though nothing has happened between them.

In my opinion — and through my experience — I've learned that healthy co-parenting does not mean you physically need to be in the same space in public trying to get along.

While I am all about parents of all kinds  — divorced or not — showing a united front for their kids, the reality is the public image is not what our children need. What's best for each family may be very different, but the principals of respect, good communication, consistency and reasonable compromise are the building blocks of a united front they really need. The external pressure of parents feeling like they should still stand on the sidelines together, sit in the recital hall side by side or attend parent-teacher conferences at the same time and place may not be the best choice in all situations.

Instead, creating healthy boundaries is what we should be encouraging. By doing so, showing up might look like parents trading event attendance on and off, sitting across the room or asking the teacher or doctor for a direct follow-up call rather than attending the same meeting together. When appropriate boundaries are set, our kids can still feel supported and the co-parents can genuinely enjoy the experience.

I am grateful for my son that the picture of lots of loved ones on the sidelines cheering him on is a reality, but I'm also grateful that, if I'm having a bad day, I can also allow myself to say a polite "hello" and sit on the other side of the gym.

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