“She takes every step to build trust, knowing that trust isn't given quickly, and can be lost in an instant. She loves with a different, new kind of love she's never experienced before. She believes she was put here for a reason. Not by accident or fate, but by purpose and design. This is the story of the stepmom.”
- Jessica Janssen Wolford
Sure, she says she "just wants everyone to be happy" and "doesn't need anything," — two statements that even I have uttered a few times this season — but let's break it down. This is the list of things mom really wants for the holidays this year.
When my son was little, together we looked forward to Christmas for what seemed like months. There were lists made, letters written to Santa, programs at school to attend and little handprint crafts to make. I soaked in every moment I could of these magical days. It always felt like Christmas, and I could barely wait until the next holiday season.
Now that he and his step-sisters are older, my husband and I find ourselves having to manufacture Christmas spirit and squeeze in holiday traditions between countless basketball games, recitals and our work responsibilities. As a blended family, the strain of navigating complex schedules means that, in some ways, Dec. 25 becomes another day on the calendar for parenting exchanges we wish we didn't have to make. So how do you get the Christmas spirit, when you don’t even have time to get a peppermint latte?
I have always coached my son that having fun is the most important part of any game, but I have found myself alongside other well-meaning parents getting swept away in the excitement and drama of the game — questioning the calls of referees and umpires, and critiquing the other team. When I step back, it’s easy to see how the momentum of the win can start to overshadow what’s really supposed to matter at this age — learning, development, skill-building and, most of all, fun.
I usually try to approach most of life with a realistic but optimistic perspective. If someone asks how I'm doing, I'm usually quick to respond with "great," "doing really well" or "we're just so grateful." Sometimes I add in the latest cute story just for emphasis that we're all doing just fine.
But lately I haven't been feeling it.
In a recent conversation with a co-worker, she asked how I was and I just didn't have the energy to give the "sunny side" answer. Instead I said, "You know, I feel like I've been in a slump lately. Don't get me wrong, we're really fortunate, but some days are just hard right now."
The response I received was something of a sigh of relief. She shared that she'd been feeling the same way. By answering honestly, we were able to engage in a quick but powerful conversation where we shared what was bothering us, and offered emotional support. It was a moment of camaraderie and vulnerability that was needed and appreciated.
Financial issues even rank among the top five reasons for divorce in the United States. For my husband and I, it was important for us to get on the same page about our finances so our marriage didn’t end up as one of these sad statistics.
I’d love to tell you it was easy, but that would be a lie. While we were honest about our financial statuses, we only had the narrow perspective of a typical household or a stressed single parent. Managing our money as a blended family was a whole new ballgame.
Read this piece for a few tips from our lived experience as a blended household that we have learned along the way.
While I am all about parents of all kinds — divorced or not — showing a united front for their kids, the reality is the public image is not what our children need. What's best for each family may be very different, but the principals of respect, good communication, consistency and reasonable compromise are the building blocks of a united front they really need. The external pressure of parents feeling like they should still stand on the sidelines together, sit in the recital hall side by side or attend parent-teacher conferences at the same time and place may not be the best choice in all situations.
It wasn't until I became part of my husband's family that I started to personally understand and experience the beauty of Dia de los Muertos. My husband's maternal cultural heritage is Mexican, and the celebration of Dia de los Muertos is one that my mother-in-law, Suzanne, introduced me to through their family's tradition. The holiday has truly become a day I look forward to every year.
What does it look like to support someone who is going through a divorce? Six ideas to show that you really care.
I'm not typically the mom who gets teary at the milestones. Back to school, next size up clothes and birthdays don't bother me.
But recently, these milestones have become difficult for me when it comes to my stepdaughters. And this has come as a surprise to me.
I never really understood those big law firms that claim "200 years combined experience" — when everyone in the photo is clearly under 50 — until I got married the second time around.
June 2nd was our second wedding anniversary, and it truly feels like we have been married for decades. My husband, Eric, and I laugh that it feels that way because we have 21 years combined experience. There was no honeymoon phase. We said "I do" and found ourselves building a family from somewhere in the middle.
We sat down a few weeks ago to reflect on our first two years together and what we've learned about marriage over time and this time around.
To read what we feel we’ve learned (the second time around), visit Momaha.com.
This is a question I never really considered until a few years ago when I became a stepmother. Before my first Mother's Day as a blended family, I really started to wonder what my "new" role as stepmom would feel like on that day.
My husband's youngest daughter had proudly opened up her backpack one day after school to show me the smushed construction paper craft she had made in her kindergarten classroom for her mom. As I praised her for her good work and told her how much I thought her mom would love it, I could almost see the thought flash across her eyes as she realized in that moment that she didn't make one for me.
Her smile shifted, and she quickly offered to make me one, too. She thought hard and suggested that maybe she and her teacher could talk about making a second one the next day. She worried, though, that there wouldn't be enough supplies left. I kneeled down to her level and gave her a giant hug. I told her the craft should really go to her mom on Mother's Day.
Let me first say that the COVID-19 pandemic is a horrible, confusing, and challenging time for families across the globe. Each person, and family is facing unique and shared challenges that we could have never anticipated and are not prepared for. Our family is fortunate, and while my husband and I have had to wrestle with the impact of COVID-19 on our respective jobs, we still have jobs. While all of a sudden needing to coordinate new schedules within our blended family, and homeschooling three kids presents new obstacles, our family is healthy and we are together. We very clearly recognize and acknowledge our privilege during this time.
I'm going to share something that's possibly horrible to say during this time of a global pandemic: I'm actually really enjoying a number of unexpected realities of having to stay at home, and I don't want to take these opportunities for granted.
I’d love to meet the attorney who had the foresight to write divorced parents a parenting plan addendum for a global pandemic. I’d happily buy you a drink.
The harsh truth, though, is that no one has been prepared for this coronavirus pandemic and the effect it’s had on raising kids.
Divorced parents are in a particularly sticky situation. I have yet to encounter a divorced or blended parenting decision that is easy to navigate — and the coronavirus pandemic is no different. Unless you or your legal representative had a crystal ball, I’m willing to bet your plan didn’t cover unintentional homeschooling, quarantine or shared custody in a time of social distancing.
Mine sure didn’t.
My oldest stepdaughter has this really sweet way of finding me in the midst of doing housework, when the other kids are off playing. Her bids for attention are quiet, sincere, and patient. I'll be in the middle of work at the kitchen table, making a meal, cleaning the kitchen, or doing laundry, and she'll come in and almost silently sit or stand near me until I ask if she needs something…It's in these rare one-on-one moments that we bond, learning more about each other than we typically share with the rest of the world. These are the moments when her gentle persistence pulls me out of my to-do list into a treasured conversation where she opens up about school, dance, and expresses curiosity about me and the stories of my life. Sometimes we talk about deep important topics. Faith, emotions, our family, what we both want to do "when we grow up". And sometimes we talk about laundry.
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